How to use Relationships as Mirrors
3 simple steps to get your started.
Relationships, especially romantic relationships, can be a potent exploration into revealing our own inner world by looking at another.
Like attracts like, after all.
But what does this really mean? How esoteric do we want to get here? Are we all one or is everyone a unique snow flake? (the answer is yes).
If you’re anything like me you can look at someone close to you and name as many ways you’re similar to as many ways you’re different.
So where can you start?
The reality is there is no “one size fits all” guide. It’s intuitive, you’ll have to do some investigative work on your own.
But I can guarantee if you start doing this practice you will eventually get a beautiful awakening into your own psyche. You’ll learn how you’re really operating in areas like career, love, and money. And see how much you really believe you deserve.
Here are 3 ways you can use those closest to you to gain awareness around what’s operating below your conscious surface (thinking mind).
1) Pay attention to which friends you’re hanging around frequently, what do you two end up talking about a lot? Are they pursuing their goals or settling for whatever they can get?
Your core group of people you hang around reflect your own inner state, so if they aren’t happy, motivated, or on the life plan you desire, you won’t be either. The great news is when you decide to start hanging out with new people this can quickly change.
Example: If you’re waitressing and trying to get out of the restaurant world, limit how much time you spend outside of work with people who work in restaurants.
For dating: pay close attention to how the romantic people coming into your life operate, are they needy, ghosting you, or emotionally unavailable? If you find a pattern of the general type of person showing up in your life that’s a big flag there’s something to work through (usually how your parents/caregivers made you feel OR you’re avoiding intimacy because of a traumatic event).
2) Projecting: the work you think another should be doing is really work you need to be doing.
Do you think your partner/friend needs to listen better? Go to therapy? Stop people pleasing? Our ego, in an act of protection, will project what we need to do onto other people, because it’s too painful for us to see that we have any faults.
Example : If you talk about relationship issues with a friend also having relationship issues, notice her issues. It’s easier to see other’s problems than your own but you must share similarities or you wouldn’t have much to talk about in this area. What would you recommend her to do? Go do it yourself.
3) The puzzle dynamic.
Sometimes we’re in relationships where it really seems like it’s all the other person. They’re crazy, manipulative, maybe even it goes as far as they’re abusive emotionally, physically, or both.
It’s easy to see them as the problem (and if they’re abusive — they are and it is not okay). But the other side of this coin is there’s something in you that’s saying this type of behavior is normal, acceptable, or something you deserve, or you wouldn’t be in the situation.
This can be hard for abuse victims to hear, and is in no way giving any type of scape-goat to offenders. But a lot of people who find themselves in traumatic situations as adults had traumatic situations happen to them as children. And because of this there’s a part of you/your brain that DOES think it’s okay, that it IS how relationships work. And that this painful feeling you’re experiencing is what a relationship is suppose to feel like. It’s below the level of your conscious, thinking mind and will take work and professional support to work through.
In less intense terms, this can also look like a parent/child, co-dependent/avoidant, or perfect/imperfect dynamic. These two people fit together like a puzzle piece to make a whole, but possibly toxic, relationship.
Example: A woman is upset because she always has to take on responsibility as the caregiver; doing all the work around the house and for the family. When her partner gets home he contributes very little, maybe he seems impulsive and irresponsible to her. They’ve stopped having sex and the idea of that kind of intimacy repulses her. This is a standard parent/child dynamic.
Mirror work takes practice. It takes a certain amount of awareness and even then it can take awhile to get to the root of the problem.
But follow the triggers, the uncomfortable situations, the projections, the judgment. It’s leading you towards a healthier, more authentic, whole you.
