It’s not you(me) it’s me(you)
Discerning your issues from another’s in dating
It’s not you(me) it’s me(you).
When you fall for someone, there’s a barrage of hormone changes that make everything they do rosy and perfect. Both people are showcasing their best selves. And work constantly to impress/seduce/entertain one another.
It’s exciting, it boosts your confidence, you tell your friends, maybe paint a perfect picture of the two of you. It all feels so good.
Until it all comes to a screeching halt.
He’s not calling as much, or maybe she’s not inviting you out to meet her friends. You’ve got something telling you something is wrong but it’s all so confusing.
What actually happened? Basically only two things: Either the other person actually did something to hurt the relationship, or you’re bringing past into the present and making something out of nothing.
Is he really not calling as much as he used to or are you getting more attached, thus feeling more vulnerable and quite possibly insecure?
And how do you tell which one is which?
1) If the other person is flakey, unclear about their feelings for you, off/on, says one thing and does another, doesn’t want the same level of commitment you do, it’s them.
And if you don’t say buh-bye to them, then that’s on you.
Yes it is hard, let’s go back to all the hormones for a moment and realize most of us humans crave bonding with another person. And breakups can feel like you’re losing a limb, but it IS temporary. And in the grand scheme of things, if you say no to a partner who doesn’t make you feel like you deserve, your self-respect points shoot WAY the heck up, and you’ll be less inclined to put up with it next time around.
But:
2) If the other person is showing up, making you feel important, communicating, and wants to get to know you more, you’re most likely triggered from a past event.
Especially if you’re used to dating someone like point 1. When a point 2 person shows up, you may think something is wrong because you’re used to that “rollercoaster intensity” that only toxic love can bring.
Do you actually know what a secure, healthy partnership looks like?
It’s okay if you don’t. I didn’t for a long time either and it through me for a bit of a loop in the beginning.
I actually thought there was something “wrong” with a guy who tells me how he feels and shows up when he says he will and will even go out of his way on occasion to be there for me.
I had done a lot of internal work and EVEN then it took some time for my brain to say, “Oh this is what healthy partnership looks like — actually I really like this.”
And I’ll never go back to emotionally unavailable/love avoidant people again.
And when I DID start to get more attached, and feel more vulnerable and occasionally insecure, I would communicate that to him. And we would talk about it and he would comfort me, usually in a physical way like a hug or a back rub.
To be truly seen and heard is some powerful healing.
So the reality is, whether the other person needs to go or you need to reframe some things — it always comes back to you. Either way it’s time to do some work.
Get support, read a book, call a therapist, ask a trusted friend (the friend in a healthy relationship, not your single/dating confused friend — different friends have different fortes).
Still confused? Can’t think clearly because your heart got you in some kind of way? It’s okay. I’ve been there too.
So start making a list of things that they do — like how they show up for you and do things they say they will. And how you feel in that moment.
You don’t have to do it for long. Maybe a week, and just see how they’re showing up. You can’t argue with the facts.
Guy didn’t answer your text all day but then you find out he had a huge meeting and was super busy? Totally understandable.
But a girl who asks what your plans are for a specific night and then never follows up? Or you call her and she doesn’t answer but you see she’s active on social media? No no no.
If you’ve discovered you’ve got a point 1 person, it’s now up to you to decide if that’s something you want to live with.
Because they will not change.
They will not change.
Let me say that one more time for the people in the back:
They will not change.
They got YOU acting exactly as they are, and if you threaten to leave they may show up for a little, but you can bet they’ll be back to their old ways once the security of you staying comes back.
So what are you going to do now?
Are you going to step up and demand more for yourself?
End something on a leap of faith that something better is around the corner for you? (hint: it is)
Learn to discern these point 1 people earlier so you can say no to them before you get attached and make room for that healthy, secure partner you’re looking for?
Get the help you need to understand why you’ve been settling for people like this for years? Maybe even decades? And then never do it again?
I sure hope so. Because you really, really deserve it.
