Raise your Self Worth, Get What You Want
Self worth is the innate belief that we deserve whatever it is that we want, and then are able to back it up with action.
But self worth isn’t an all or nothing thing. Something we have or don’t. We can have high self worth in one area of our life and low self worth in another.
If you put two people in a room with the same equipment/people available to them, and the only thing different was their level of self worth around their intellect and working with others, and asked them to complete a difficult task. They would see and do vastly different things based on what they perceived was possible/available to them.
Having higher self worth attracts greater opportunities to us. According to Your Brain at Work by David Rock, from a neuroscience perspective, feeling better about ourselves (whether in comparison with others or comparison with an older version of ourself) releases dopamine and other fun neurochemicals. This release allows us to think clearer, hold more complex ideas in our head at the same time, and follow through with what we say we’re going to do.
Creating higher self worth can be as simple as finding a niche where you feel you perform better than anyone else.
But if you feel like you need a bit more of a self worth boost, try this:
Identify something you either want to move towards or away from. Is there a goal you’ve always wanted to accomplish? Or toxic people in your life you want to cut out? Decide on something that gives you a gut response (or however you tune in to make decisions) do NOT just do something because you think it’s something you “should” do.
Next, detach from the thoughts in your head (or to put another way: don’t believe them). It isn’t the thoughts in our head that decide our worth (which can range from “I’m meant for greatness” to “I’ll never become anything” in an hour). It’s the actions we ultimately take or not.
When we start doing something we’ve never done, our brain tries to protect us by tricking us it isn’t the thing we should be doing.
Then you have to figure out what a higher self worth action is for you. These are your new boundaries. Initially, it will be very uncomfortable enforcing them, other people might have strong reactions (people who complain about your new boundary only do so because of how much they were benefitting from you not having any).
Or you might feel strong resistance to doing it. This “activation” (meaning whatever comes up for you after setting the boundary) is the process of raising your self worth. This can look like guilt, poor self-talk, feeling alone/abandoned, anxiety, depression, or wanting to give up. You’re going to need a healthy coping mechanism, for me that can look like anything from meditation, external support (a guide, teacher, or a therapist), taking a bath, watching reality tv, or occasionally eating sugar if it’s a new, difficult mental task (that prefrontal cortex needs energy to create those new neurons).
The trick to getting through it is to expect the discomfort. Anticipating that something will go wrong is the best way to have resilience in the moment it does go wrong and push through.
Note: If you’ve had a long history of low self worth actions (bad jobs, unhealthy relationships, treating yourself poorly, not getting what you want) the first step for you is to get help into where this unworthiness came from. It was probably imprinted long ago, when you were a child, and you’re going to need help working through it. The most powerful resources for me were EMDR therapy, To be Magnetic, and Teal Swan.
A real story of conscious self worth raising:
I was wanting and ready for a healthy, long term partnership. I had been dating rather emotionally unavailable people for a while (lets be honest kind of my whole life). I had done the inner work to understand myself deeper as to why I was attracted to that behavior, but there was still one person who’d send those oh-so-familiar “Hey let’s hang out” texts every month or so. I kept toying with hanging out with them again, until I realized how letting this person into my life was really only hurting me. I sent a message stating very clear boundaries, thinking it would feel amazing, and I felt like crap for days. Guilt, sadness, and regret came over me, which was honestly quite a surprise since it was months since we dated. But I stuck with it and after those few days passed. I began to feel amazing. It was the last step I needed in raising my self worth in my romantic life. And guess what? A couple months later I started dating my very emotionally available, loving partner.
The good news is there’s always a light at the end of the self-worth raising tunnel. When you stop letting something of low value into your life, something naturally of higher value has to replace it.
In the words of Lacy Phillips and her resources on To Be Magnetic:
“Self worth IS the law of attraction.”
Want a dose of self worth raising right now? Think about how far you’ve come, how much you’ve grown since last year, 5 years ago, 10 years ago. Write it down or talk it out loud to a friend for an even stronger impact.
Note of caution: Do not try and correct multiple boundaries at one time, especially if conscious self-worth building is new to you. You will get overwhelmed, not understand the up-leveling process, and give up.
Side note: Raising your self worth and replacing coping mechanisms, to me, isn’t exactly the same thing. We all need coping mechanisms from time to time, especially if you’re in the business of growing and expanding often. If you’re upset with yourself with how much tv watching or emotional eating your doing, you would be better off looking into why you need that coping mechanism so much, before you try and change it.
A little introspection before making shifts is incredibly important towards lasting success. Maybe it’s not even the coping mechanism that’s the problem, but how much you’re needing it.
Raising yourself worth is the foundation of getting what you want. Do you have a story of the effects of raising your self worth? Would love to hear in the comments below.
