The biggest communication factor in the success of your marriage.
It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.
John Gottman is a psychologist whose work I came across in a book by Malcom Gladwell called Blink (yes it came out almost 15 years ago but, hey, it’s new to me). The book discusses various ways our mind subconsciously operates. It’s a fascinating read that breaks down everything from subtle facial movements to why Warren Harding became president to how the Getty almost paid 10 million dollars for a fake piece of art. But what I found particularly interesting was Gottman’s work with couples and how efficiently he learned how to analyze them. Since the 80’s he’s been having couples come in, discuss a point of contention between them, and recording it. He wanted to see how accurate he could get at predicting if they would be together after 15 years. And after seeing thousands of couples, he can now predict within 95% accuracy if they’ll be together in 15 years after watching just one hour of recorded material. If he watches 15 minutes? That number only goes down to 90%. He’s even stated being able to now sit next to a bickering couple at dinner and have a good idea if they’ll pass the longevity test or not.
The couple under the microscope in this book was Sue and Bill, newly married and still in the honeymoon stage. They came to the lab, got hooked up to machines that tests everything from the sweatiness of palms to how much they move around in their chairs, and began to discuss the problem with their new dog. Sue liked the dog, and Bill didn’t. The conversation wasn’t particularly heated. No one yelled, no one got upset, apparently it even seemed like they forgot they were fighting at times. Seems pretty innocent, right? What on earth could you glean from a light disagreement between seemingly happy newlyweds? Apparently a lot. Gottman and his team broke down each second the couple spoke to one another. To tone, body movement, and heart rate, thousands of pieces of information were gathered. But the thing that most interested me was the coding system they had for the way the couple spoke to one another. They had 20 different categories corresponding to any emotion the couple could have (anger, disgust, neutral, etc.). Then the team would painstakingly go through each word they said to one another, and give it a number designating the underlying emotion behind it, totaling almost 2000 pieces of code for one conversation. After seeing thousands of couples and combing through hundreds of thousands of code, a pattern started to develop for couples that were doomed to fail. Gottman discovered that the success or failure of a relationship was dependent on how much a couple displayed what he termed the Four Horsemen: criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt. Too much of these four and relationship was headed for trouble. And one particularly meant an almost certain breakup. Let’s break these down a little more:
· Criticism manifests for a couple reasons. The first is it’s a minor version of contempt: thinking we know what’s best for another person. It’s degrading and disrespectful to the other person, and painful to us because we lose our sense of equality and connection. How do you connect with someone you subtly think is below you? I also have a theory that when we become overly critical of our partners, it’s because we perceive something they are/aren’t doing as a representation that they don’t love or respect us. Of course if they are actually acting in a way that hurts us, that’s one thing. But it’s important to be able to differentiate when a partner isn’t showing up, and when we have an unfair expectation of how they should be. And learning to approach a situation with an open heart will work wonders for a relationship; like substituting “Why do you always/never ___” with “When you do ___ it makes me feel like ___”. Talking openly helps keep the conversation more open.
· Defensiveness is often a result of one person being critical, and can be trickier to identify than you think. Of course there’s the more obvious type, you voice a complaint to your partner and you’re met with, “I’m not like that! You’re ….!” They don’t want to hear it; and they’ll blame someone else or reject the complaint entirely. But there’s a subtler defense mechanism, the “Yes, but…” You explain something, express yourself, your partner is nodding, you feel like they’re listening. You stop talking and they acknowledge they’ve heard you with the “yes”, but when followed by a “but”, it’s a strong indicator that the “yes” is just to please you, to make you feel like they’ve listened. When in reality they’re waiting for you to finish to defend their side. It’s dangerous because couples can go back and forth, for years, with this kind of talking. It seems like they’re both speaking their peace to one another, but neither is really hearing the other person, and no real work is happening. Letting one partner talk then allowing the other to say back what they just heard is a powerful way to get couples to start listening to each other. Also acknowledging and truly hearing how the other person is feeling is incredible helpful. You can’t argue how something makes a person feel, well you can, but you’ll be talking in circles and getting nowhere. WHY they feel like that and if you can do anything to help them through is healing and will help bring you closer.
· Stonewalling often happens when a partner feels he/she has more than they can deal with and they shut down. They’re like an impenetrable wall you can’t get through. This can look like ignoring calls/texts, running away from a situation, acting busy with other things, or just generally cutting the other person out. This can be especially painful to partners who in the past have dealt with emotional or physical abandonment because it can very much feel like you’re left to deal with everything on your own again. But it’s important for the person shutting down to recognize this, and do what’s best for them to help them keep processing. This may look like needing to step away from the situation for a while, taking a walk, journaling, or sitting quietly until they feel like they can come back to the conversation again.
· Contempt is the big one. Out of all the other “horseman” Gottman identified, a couple showing signs of contempt is the single biggest factor in determining the longevity, or lack thereof, of a relationship. Contempt is hierarchical, Gladwell says. It puts one person above the other, making them feel worthless. It can look like mocking, eye rolling, condescension and general disrespect. It’s even been shown to decrease the immunity in persons affected by it, causing more sicknesses like colds and the flu. The underlying factor of contempt is deep insecurity. These people don’t know how to have self worth without putting other people down. It’s a form of bullying that stems from deep pain (but what bullying doesn’t, really?). It’s also incredibly difficult to come back once one person sees the other as below them.
So what do you do when one of the horsemen rears its ugly head? Recognizing it for what it is is a crucial first step. So often in a fight with our significant other we can get caught up in the fight, swimming in a pool of blame, defensiveness, etc… Being able to take a step back and say, “oh I/they am/are criticizing right now” and then asking why could possibly be the most important step towards changing the story of your fight. So rarely does the thing we’re fighting about actually have to do with the thing in front of us. Gottman also argues couples have a “pattern” to their fighting, which can often be traced back to even their very first interaction. And the energy of that first encounter: what was talked about, how one approached the other, and any drama that ensued often happens over and over again in different ways. Why is this? I believe patterns will continue to show up in our lives in various ways, because they’re meant to be recognized and healed. And if you want to go really deep, if there’s a recurring pattern that you’ve noticed for awhile and can’t seem to quite get a footing on it, I would encourage you to look back on the patterning you experienced when you were younger or witnessed from your parents/guardians. It all comes back to source, after all. So if you haven’t, for example, dealt with how emotionally unavailable your father was, or how your first boyfriend broke your heart and you never fully recovered, that is going to follow you until you see it for what it is, and fix it. We’re all meant to live happy, fulfilled lives. But so many of us are still running around trying to avoid the pain of the past we can’t truly be present and open in the moment. We think the pain of opening that wound will overtake us. But this is a trick of the mind because, with guidance and support, you can trade a little short-term pain for a lifetime of deeper happiness and fulfillment.
For more information on the Gottman’s Four Horsemen click here
