The Dark Side of “I Deserve it”

I had gotten myself into a groove with my work. Actually with my life in general. It was small but I was feeling great about what I was writing, I was sleeping well, I was eating what made my body feel good. Then, in the height of my feel-good flow, I decided I wanted something sweet. I had been off sugar for a couple weeks and felt great, but decided one or two days of some dark chocolate wouldn’t hurt me too bad.

But my body’s become more sensitive as I’ve cleaned up my eating and my mind, and I can’t smash candy bars like I used to. In fact eating much of any sugar sends my brain into cookie-monster-it’s-never-enough mode.

So I slept poorly, and woke up with a horrible headache and brain fog.

I did what most of us do, resolved to not do it again and wondered when I was ever going to learn my lesson.

Then it dawned on me, that resolving to never eat something again has never worked for me. I’ve been experimenting with dieting since before I was a teenager and have given up on the idea that willpower has much to do with lasting change.

I’ve also discovered the power of the subconscious mind and how it runs almost every decision I’m “consciously” choosing to make.

So I looked back into how I was feeling right before I decided that was a good idea. I realized I wasn’t upset, or bored. I was feeling good! I had let my guard down. And I “deserved” this little treat.

But that treat, as I knew it would, left me feeling bad. If this was an equation it would look something like this:

I deserve = chocolate

chocolate = something that makes me feel bad

Therefore

I deserve = something that makes me feel bad.

Firstly, why was this so hard for me to see? Because my first association with chocolate is that it tastes delicious and makes me happy in the moment. So there is some good to it. But overall it takes me out of my flow and makes me feel bad longer than it makes me feel good.

I knew this already. Absolutely everyone has had a moment where they knew something they were about to eat or do wasn’t good for them and did it anyway. And the point isn’t to never do that thing again.

The point is I have goals and I did something that deterred me from them. And I want to get to the bottom of why I did that.

Why did I unconsciously go after something that would knock me off my flow, under the guise of “I deserve it”?

I’ve struggled with unconscious low self worth my whole life (as if the pre-teen dieting wasn’t a huge clue). And although I’ve worked through the biggest chunk of it (basically not being aware of it in the first place). I will still find little ways I can bring myself down.

I’m not beating myself up over this. Creative flow feels expansive and uncomfortable. I don’t blame myself for wanting to retreat from this experience. It’s an important lesson to learn. I’m always grateful for opportunities of where I’m shirking away from my own evolution. Because I can’t change what I’m not aware of.

Maybe it seems like a little thing, it’s just some candy for a couple days. But I think, I hope, next time around I’ll be able to catch this moment and say no. Because it’s not really about the food. It’s about choosing what’s important to me and feeling worthy of attaining it.

What about you? What little ways are you holding yourself back? Is there something you can do about it now or is the awareness of it enough?