Why is Commitment so Scary?

Let’s get real for a minute.

What is it about commitment? Does the sound of the word incite fear in you? Make you want to run for the hills? Maybe I’ve been in LA for too long, home of the disorganized attachment style and need for exterior validation. But I’ve recently made a move to San Francisco and still see people here struggling with the same issues. So what’s going on? Why are there so many people caught in this push-pull situation with relationships?

Heck, it doesn’t have to be relationships, you could be doing this with your career (or lack thereof). You put a toe in, only to find yourself pulling it out after a period of time. And moving onto the next thing.

But let’s put the focus on relationships for a moment:

Maybe you’re in one (or you’ve almost certainly been in this situation before) where when you’re ready to commit, they aren’t, then they’re ready, and you aren’t. Or maybe you don’t even realize you’re afraid of commitment, jumping from “safe” partner to partner.

What is all of this?

And what do I mean by safe? It looks different for many people, it could be the girls you never want to bring home to meet your parents. The guy who texts you back every 3rd day. Even the person who’s all-in in the beginning of the relationship only to pull out however long into after and decide they’re better on their own.

Why am I calling these safe? Because deep down, maybe even below your conscious mind, you know these people aren’t going to ask much of you. They may hurt you, sure, but they aren’t going to make you dive deep into yourself, revealing your darkest, most painful secrets. They don’t want to see your shame, guilt, doubts, fears, weird obsessions. Why? Because they don’t want to see it in themselves. And if that’s what your attracting it’s probably the same for you.

Like attracts like after all.

These safe, surface level relationships can be tricky. As we get older we develop really sneaky ways to avoid looking at our sh*t so we don’t have to do anything about it. Then we just keep reliving the same patterns over and over again and don’t understand why, or even worse, we don’t realize we’re in a pattern in the first place.

I know I’m really being vulnerable when I say a thing and part of me immediately wishes I could retract the statement. There’s that breath-holding moment when you reveal something and have no idea how the other person is going to take it and you hope to God they accept you. If you pick the right people to open up to, they will.

But what the heck does this have to do with commitment?

Because real commitment involves change, and none of us really like real change that much.

Think about it, you commit to a spiritual practice or therapy — you’re gonna bring up some shit and operate differently in the world in a way you don’t know, and the unknown is scary.

You commit, really commit, to a partner. And you may actually have to take a good hard look at what you’re bringing to the table, the good and the bad, and fix the stuff that isn’t working (hello looking at your blueprint relationship from your parent(s) and/or healing from that first, real big heartbreak).

You commit to having a fulfilling career/business. This involves real grit, doing hard things when you really don’t want to, being confused AF and still pushing through. Being seen, being heard, and taking real responsibility for yourself. And crying into your computer while you’re getting chat-help from two different websites and still pushing through. (hmmm that sounded too specific to be made up, didn’t it?)

The biggest help to me when I’m in these herculean moments of discomfort, is I take a second to breath, and realize this is a very common feeling for anyone looking to really grow in their lives.

Then I get right back to whatever I committed myself to, whether I feel like it or not. Because commitment doesn’t live in feeling, it lives in doing.

Every time you lean into the discomfort of something new it gets a little easier.

Because it’s not really YOU that doesn’t like change, it’s actually one tiny part of your brain. *The known* means safety, it means staying alive. And that part of your brain has trouble differentiating between something scary like talking to a cute boy you saw, making a speech in public, or walking onto a frozen lake not knowing how thick the ice is; it can all feel like immanent death. So it wants to stay in *the known*. It’s soft and warm and comfortable and no one dies there (most of the time).

But unfortunately, in today’s society, if you’re in *the known* too much you’re probably bored, in a rut, or just down right unhappy. So we gotta make that part of our brain a little uncomfortable from time to time to feel like we’re really living life to the fullest.

But I didn’t know that for a long time. My programming (or blueprint) for “something new” meant something terrifying that I wouldn’t know how to handle. If your mind thinks like that too, of course you’re never going to try anything really new. But I worked through it and so can you.

Or don’t.

Don’t change at all. Don’t commit to anything. Keep pretending you want to “be free”. Because once you commit you actually cannot “do anything you want”. But the benefit is you will actually have something to show for your commitment.

Maybe even a lot of things.

And whatever you do, if you feel inspired now, please do not start with something big. You need a win, do something that takes a week, 3 days. You can’t get that feeling-of-accomplishment ball rolling with something huge like “I’m writing my novel!”

Repeat after me:

Make. It. Manageable.

Write for an hour everyday for a week. Or even just 30 minutes.

Commitment and consistency go hand in hand.

Think of commitment as a muscle you need to work out. Start small, celebrate wins, don’t give up. And then see what happens.